First day and such

     Today was the first day at my new job, which went ok. It's one of those things that doesn't seem to be hard, just a lot to learn and a lot to do. I shadowed the girl who I'll replacing, she's moving in less than 3 weeks, and she pretty much did everything like she normal does, just a little slower. The job is pretty much call client, confirm appointment, client calls, make appointment, pull clients folder, put client into schedule, get client water or wine, answer phone - no we are not open on Mondays, add receipts to books, answer phone - yes, it really does cost that much, make appointment, grab something for stylist, go to pee, just kidding...the phone is ringing, etc...

     So, the whole time I pretty much just sat there like deer in the headlights. I constantly felt like I was getting in the way or that I was in her "space." It's not that the girl acted like I was an annoyance, but I know people hate explaining things, especially if it's so easy to them. But, whatever, I'll get the hang of it. She was super nice and explained everything really well, and I wrote probably the most amount of notes I've ever written, I just hope she doesn't think I wasn't actually paying attention, because most people hate repeating themselves. That sentence was probably also a lot longer than it needed to be. Meh.

Me any time someone asked me to do something

     Since she is leaving in 19 days, February 18th to be exact, that means I have less than 3 weeks until I'm completely on my own. It kind of sucks I don't get a lunch break, but I was told there is always a little down time each hour, so that's good. I'm just excited that we don't open up 10, so I can actually go to the gym without having to get up at 5am. In case you didn't know, I am NOT a morning person. At all. 

My poor boyfriend, he always gets the brunt of it...

     But anyway, today was a good day. I didn't have any crippling anxiety like I usually do when I first start, although I did show up an hour early. Not a lot of depressing feelings today either, so that was really good. Although I did have a minor break down when I realized my bank account was in the negatives again. I seriously can't wait until I start actually getting paychecks. I'm running out of things to sell. Never the less, I just hope these good thoughts can keep coming, because being sad is kind of exhausting. I did tell them I have anxiety, which I kind of wish I didn't do. I also might have lied a little and said that I totally have it under control and rarely have breakdowns. Oops...

Liquor Store Blues

     Liquor Store Blues by Bruno Mars has recently been my anthem. At first, I really had no idea why i'd been listening to it over and over and over again, until I realized that everything, well almost everything, in the song had a little bit to do with my life.

Standing at this liquor store
Whiskey coming through my pores
Feeling like I run this whole block
 - Yeah, I've definitely been there. 2pm at a pub swearing you're going for lunch and then staying until 6pm just to make sure you're sober enough to drive home

Lotto tickets and cheap beer
That's why you can catch me here
Tryna scratch my way up to the top
 - Ok, not really this one...I hate losing

Cause my job's got me going nowhere
So I ain't got a thing to lose
Take me to a place where I don't care
This is me and my liquor store blues
 - By "my job" it was more of "my not job," but I did still feel like I was going absolutely nowhere. Searching for a job is a job within itself. Constant phone interviewss and regular interviews just speying out the same crap "I'd love to work for your company because of what you stand for." "Why no, I've never lost my temper at a customer."

I'll take one shot for my pain
One drag for my sorrow
Get messed up today
I'll be okay tomorrow
 - Pretty much 100%. Replace drag with "another shot," and this chorus is spot on. Tomorrow will always be "better."

Me and my guitar tonight
Singing to the city lights
Tryna live on more than what I got
 - Me and my vacuum tonight?? But the "trying to live on more than what I got" is pretty accurate.
Cause 68 cent

Just ain't gonna pay the rent so
I'll be out here til they call the cops
 - Or turn off my electricity


Then it just goes back to the chorus over and over. Anyway, I fucking love this song. I've felt so down on my luck and so unfortunate, that nothing really helps. And if it did help, it was only until I sober again.

Sidenote: I just realized I *seriously* sound like an alcoholic right now...

But back to the point, I can't wait until I finally get paychecks. I'm so thankful I have a job now, but until I can keep up with my bills, I'm still at rock bottom. At least I'll learn to make pretty sand castles out of dirt.

The Coping Mechanism

     So, not that it's much a surprise, but I tend to use sarcasm or humor to hide how I really feel. People constantly hear that joke "Oh, you just think I'm funny but I'm actually just being a dick." But with me, it's kind of the truth.

     I didn't always make people laugh by being rude, or mean, or condensing, it just kind of evolved once we started dating. Him and his friends are super mean to each other, which is apparently funny, so it kind of slowly turned into how I told jokes and dealt with my anxiety or uncomfort. If I started feeling super uncomfortable about what someone was saying about me or what someone was doing, I would always make some dumb-ass joke. One friend, I'd make fun of the fact that he likes Nickleback (true story), or how cheap someone is being, or how they did that one thing that one time. I guess it's kind of a public coping mechanism. That, and tearing apart paper coasters, Sorry Vu : / If I'm at home, my coping mechanism is either to cry, drink, or clean. Cleaning is usually my go to, or I cry AND clean. Or I cry AND clean AND drink, but I usually don't end up cleaning as well as it should have. When my sister was in labor, though, my apartment was spotless.

     However, I cope with things because of my anxiety, not my depression. In order for me to deal with what was happening or to make myself feel better, I cut, which started around 12-13. A friend of mine started doing it because people were making fun of her, so I told her that if she kept doing it, then I would, too. Not only that, but it was an excuse to do it anyway. People openly favored my sisters because they were athletic and pretty. I was fat, had glasses, braces, and pretty much had no redeeming quality. Besides the fact that I was one bad ass clarinet player. After a while, I ended up doing it because it made me feel better. It also didn't help that my parents were going through a divorce. Once I got to high school, it got a lot worse. I would go from doing it once or twice a month to every week. Band was just really stressful, especially my sophomore year when my freaking French teacher failed me by TWO EFFING POINTS. I had a tutor AND stayed afterwards, but she believed "i didn't deserve to pass." She was a ho. Seriously, her last name was Ho. Whatever, /rant.

     Luckily, college really wasn't that bad. I realized it was a terrible way to deal with my anxiety and depression and that's when I  started ripping things up or cleaning. However,I still do it once and a while, I'll admit to that. It sucks it has to come to that sometimes, but I'm really proud that I could go from doing it every week to only once a a year. The most recent time I won't get into because it involves a friend. He knows who he is...

     

The dreaded grocery store

     For most people, the grocery store is just a thing on their "to do" list that requires no sort of anxiety or attention, but for most people with Social Anxiety, it can take hours or days to build up the confidence to go. For me personally, it usually only takes me a couple hours to build up the strength, but I'm on the milder side of anxiety. Anyway, today was "chore" day, which involved me needing to pick up stuff from HEB. My normal routine consists of this...

1. Write down everything you need to get in order of where they are located in the store. Back tracking is embarrassing and obviously someone will notice and laugh

2. Write the list down again more legibly and pretty in case someone sees it and they won't judge how poor your hand writing is or how unorganized you are

3. Get in car and drive to store. Listen to powerful music that totally pumps you up. Shit like Roar by Katy Perry and pretty much anything by Journey or Hall and Oates

4. Sit in car for 10 minutes making sure no one can see you. If someone stares at you, you must wait another 10 minutes

5. Finally grab a cart. If it's one of those super awkward ones where they refuse to separate from their life partner, just walk inside and hope you see a lonely cart you can steal

6. Go in order of sections and grab what you need. If someone is in your way, then that item will just not be bought today

7. Make sure no one is looking at you. If someone does, hide in an empty aisle and pretend mexican beans are super fascinating

8. Finally make your way to the frozen foods. Yes! Lean Cuisines are on sale 6 for $10! Hurry and grab them so skinny people don't see you and notice how overweight you are

9. It's finally time to check out. Pretend to be deaf so no one will talk to you*

*If someone who knows ASL tries to help, just say no thank and leave

10. Go back into your car and cry a little. Sometimes you don't sometimes you do.

Anyway, that's usually how it goes for me. I'm sure others can relate. I'm sure most of you are reading this thinking "holy shit this girl needs therapy." Yes, I'm aware.

Today in gifs

     I got the effing job!! I've seriously been sending out resumes and going on interviews since October looking for a real job. I worked at Williams Sonoma for a tid bit, but it was only seasonal. So now I FINALLY have a full time job and can afford my bills! Here is how my life has been in the past 30 minutes. 

The whole time we were on the phone

Right after we hung up

After I realized I can't enjoy my afternoon naps anymore

Once I realized, once again, I can't take naps anymore

And then finally realizing I won't have to (hopefully) send out any resume any time soon 

And then realizing how 40 hour work weeks make me feel 

The End.

Today is a new day...or just the day after yesterday

     We got in a huge fight yesterday because I still didn't understand why he hadn't bought a ring yet. I mean, we even went to go look at them and I completely fell in love with one, and then we just left. I don't really want to go into detail about what happened, but things escalated. I've been so selfish with this whole engagement thing thinking it will fix my life. I'm not unhappy because I'm not engaged, I'm unhappy because I'm unhappy with myself. 

     I have the same routine every, ok most, mornings. I get up, I watch Netflix, I clean or do laundry if I feel like it, and I blast out my email to 50 jobs hoping someone will at least call me. I've started going to the gym, which helps, but I honestly think what helps more is their tanning bed. Materialistic, I know, but it just makes me feel pretty. I got so many compliments when I came back from Aruba because of how tan I looked, and it made me feel like I actually stuck out rather than blended in. Which, concerning how terrified I am that people can actually see me, is a little bit of a contradiction. I guess I'm just stuck in a rut and need to get myself out.

I was actually really happy here. Maybe because I was in Aruba

     I had a second interview with a job on Thursday that went fantastically, but I'm still not 100% sure if I got the job. They said they just needed to do a background check and then they'd let me know, but I thought those only took a couple minutes. So now I'm just a nervous wreck thinking no one will hire me, even though I have an interview today with an "outdoor oasis" company and one tomorrow with a vet. I just can't help just feel no one will ever hire me. Like...ever.

     Overall, I still feel really depressed. I took a bunch of klonopin last night, hoping it would make me black out so I could sleep and just not wake up, but all it did was make me feel drunk. I don't think I'll be doing that again.

Stressed, Depressed, but Well Dressed

     My motto. Well, maybe I'm not so well dressed, but at least I am if I try? I'm at that awkward size where I'm too skinny to be plus sized, but too fat to be regular sized. It blows. 

I need this shirt

Actually, this one will work just as well

For the first time in weeks

     I didn't wake up and just want to lay there. I didn't sleep well last night, big surprise, but I got up at 9am and immediately hit the gym. Well, first I went to my therapist only to be told he won't take post dated checks; god, he's the best! It felt really great. I'm also thinking about taking up crocheting or something so that I have something to actually do when I feel anxious. As much as cleaning my fish tanks help, you should really only clean them once a week.

     But anyway, I'm starting to feel ok. I haven't felt totally hopeless or useless today, which is a good sign. I have an interview in an hour which I think I'm going to rock, so hopefully I will update soon saying I have a new job! I've literally only been able to pay my bills by sheer luck so far, and I really think my luck is running out. If I don't get this job, I don't really know what I'll do. Being an adult sucks. 

I Hate My Therapist

     "It does not rain forever." My therapist said this the first time I met him. At the time, I thought he was a fucking genius. He made me feel like my anxiety and depression were normal (relatively speaking) and could easily be fixed; yay! He put me on medication and told me to get out more, since most of my anxiety is because of social interaction. After a couple months though, I slowly started to realize he was a dick.

    Eight months later, here I am. Depressed and anxious 24/7. Most people assume depression or anxiety isn't a real illness or disease, they assume it's kind of like the a headache you get when you don't sleep enough; "just get enough sleep and your headache will go away, duh!"

     Well, if life was like that I wouldn't need therapy. Or a klonopin every time someone stares at me for too long. My sessions started going from "How have you been? Let's fix that" to "Oh, you're not suicidal, excellent!" I would tell him how terrible my week was or how depressed I felt, and he pretty much just patted me on the back and told me to keep my chin up. Thanks. 

     I decided that maybe I didn't need my medication and I was just getting worse because I assumed it was supposed to fix me. That mixed with the fact that I couldn't keep a job because of my anxiety and depression, I was unable to afford therapy or medication. Unfortunately, the next 3 weeks were terrible. I was going through withdrawals, being extremely moody and pretty rude. I drank a little more than I usually do and spent way too much money.  

     So, even though I hate my therapist, I'm going back to see him tomorrow. Hopefully he can at least put me back on my medication so I can at least have time to look for another one. But on that note, why is it so freaking expensive to get help? I'm mentally unstable, so charging me $300 to talk to someone probably isn't a good idea. Whatever. At least I have a second interview for a Salon Coordinator tomorrow which should go well. They are super open to piercings and tattoos, so I don't have to worry about hiding who I am...woo hoo! 

     Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.