Thanks For Sharing

     I have Monday's off, and after sleeping all day, I decided to watch some movies I've been meaning to see. The one I was most looking forward to was Thanks for Sharing. It's basically about a group of people that are sex addicts trying to pretty much...live. While the movie may not have been that great, I thought Pink was excellent. Maybe it was because she has actually gone through bad times and everything, but she was just brilliant in this movie. One of my favorite lines in the whole movie is this...

     Dealing with depression and all that, this is exactly how I feel almost three times a week. This just can't be how the rest of my life will be like. I've gone back to eating when I feel sad or upset because nothing else works. Working out helps, but only once you're through. I wanted something that made me feel better the whole time, which is what food does. Especially excellent food. But then I just feel like shit when people ask "Oh, have you lost weight?! You look so good!" No, I haven't, and are you saying I looked terrible before? There has to be another way to make myself feel better. There has to be. Every time I get depressed, I can't just pop a couple klonopin and make myself leftovers. Because while it works temporarily, I hate myself even more in the long run. 

Sleepless Nights

     I hate when my mind is racing, but I have no thoughts. Sometimes depression is so cruel. Besides feeling empty, sad, lost, angry, etc...feeling everything at once and nothing at all is just the worst. I wanted to write about my sleeping issues, which is very common with people suffering from depression, but I just can't. The only thing I can really say is I suck at sleeping.
     I just don't know how I feel right now. I feel empty, but not at the same time. I'm not looking forward to bed time at all.

A tiny update

     I'm ok. Honestly. The past couple of days (besides feeling super anxious about my new job, which apparently normal people also feel, so that's not weird) I've felt totally ok. I don't want to say numb or apathetic, because that is completely different, but I've felt so neutral. It's so nice not to be swinging from happy to sad or from super cheery to super depressed, I've just felt normal. I'm still having a lot of issues sleeping, but naps help. Granted, I get home at 2:30 and felt like I've been up for hours and hours and hours, but at least it's not that miserable sleepiness, it's just drowsy feeling. It's just so nice to feel good and not feel anxious or sad or lost. It's also weird to be excited to feel normal. I wonder how normal people feel when they feel normal...
     I was also told I could be in charge of music at work, so that helps with my anxiety there. I've also been discovering SO much new music, which is awesome; I love Spotify. It's really hard to constantly hide how nervous you are, it's honestly exhausting, but at the same time I know that if I don't let myself feel that way, then it will help with my job performance in the long run. Or not. But I'll go with yes. But besides that, nothing else has been going on. Thursday was a really hard day, but work was hectic and I got in a little tiff with a co-worker and had a mild panic attack thinking I was already going to be fired. I think we are cool, though, he's at least acting like we are. Who knows.
   To completely switch subjects though, I realized how crippling anti-social I am. I swear, without Oscar, I'd probably have 2 friends. I don't know what it is, I just have no interest in going out and partying. Mainly because I'm poor and can barely pay my bills, but I just don't like being social. Besides a few select people, I usually want to leave wherever I am within an hour or so, or even before I get there. I really don't know what it is. Sometimes it's because it's a big party or we are going somewhere loud, but it's usually just the fact that I have to leave the house. If people want to come over, I'm totally ok with that. But then again, I can just be honest and tell people to gtfo at midnight. Or just put on my pajamas and get into bed when people are over...not that I've done that...

          So yeah, the TL;DR version is...I'm ok, I really am, but I still hate people. Woo!