Today in gifs

     I got the effing job!! I've seriously been sending out resumes and going on interviews since October looking for a real job. I worked at Williams Sonoma for a tid bit, but it was only seasonal. So now I FINALLY have a full time job and can afford my bills! Here is how my life has been in the past 30 minutes. 

The whole time we were on the phone

Right after we hung up

After I realized I can't enjoy my afternoon naps anymore

Once I realized, once again, I can't take naps anymore

And then finally realizing I won't have to (hopefully) send out any resume any time soon 

And then realizing how 40 hour work weeks make me feel 

The End.

Today is a new day...or just the day after yesterday

     We got in a huge fight yesterday because I still didn't understand why he hadn't bought a ring yet. I mean, we even went to go look at them and I completely fell in love with one, and then we just left. I don't really want to go into detail about what happened, but things escalated. I've been so selfish with this whole engagement thing thinking it will fix my life. I'm not unhappy because I'm not engaged, I'm unhappy because I'm unhappy with myself. 

     I have the same routine every, ok most, mornings. I get up, I watch Netflix, I clean or do laundry if I feel like it, and I blast out my email to 50 jobs hoping someone will at least call me. I've started going to the gym, which helps, but I honestly think what helps more is their tanning bed. Materialistic, I know, but it just makes me feel pretty. I got so many compliments when I came back from Aruba because of how tan I looked, and it made me feel like I actually stuck out rather than blended in. Which, concerning how terrified I am that people can actually see me, is a little bit of a contradiction. I guess I'm just stuck in a rut and need to get myself out.

I was actually really happy here. Maybe because I was in Aruba

     I had a second interview with a job on Thursday that went fantastically, but I'm still not 100% sure if I got the job. They said they just needed to do a background check and then they'd let me know, but I thought those only took a couple minutes. So now I'm just a nervous wreck thinking no one will hire me, even though I have an interview today with an "outdoor oasis" company and one tomorrow with a vet. I just can't help just feel no one will ever hire me. Like...ever.

     Overall, I still feel really depressed. I took a bunch of klonopin last night, hoping it would make me black out so I could sleep and just not wake up, but all it did was make me feel drunk. I don't think I'll be doing that again.

Stressed, Depressed, but Well Dressed

     My motto. Well, maybe I'm not so well dressed, but at least I am if I try? I'm at that awkward size where I'm too skinny to be plus sized, but too fat to be regular sized. It blows. 

I need this shirt

Actually, this one will work just as well

For the first time in weeks

     I didn't wake up and just want to lay there. I didn't sleep well last night, big surprise, but I got up at 9am and immediately hit the gym. Well, first I went to my therapist only to be told he won't take post dated checks; god, he's the best! It felt really great. I'm also thinking about taking up crocheting or something so that I have something to actually do when I feel anxious. As much as cleaning my fish tanks help, you should really only clean them once a week.

     But anyway, I'm starting to feel ok. I haven't felt totally hopeless or useless today, which is a good sign. I have an interview in an hour which I think I'm going to rock, so hopefully I will update soon saying I have a new job! I've literally only been able to pay my bills by sheer luck so far, and I really think my luck is running out. If I don't get this job, I don't really know what I'll do. Being an adult sucks. 

I Hate My Therapist

     "It does not rain forever." My therapist said this the first time I met him. At the time, I thought he was a fucking genius. He made me feel like my anxiety and depression were normal (relatively speaking) and could easily be fixed; yay! He put me on medication and told me to get out more, since most of my anxiety is because of social interaction. After a couple months though, I slowly started to realize he was a dick.

    Eight months later, here I am. Depressed and anxious 24/7. Most people assume depression or anxiety isn't a real illness or disease, they assume it's kind of like the a headache you get when you don't sleep enough; "just get enough sleep and your headache will go away, duh!"

     Well, if life was like that I wouldn't need therapy. Or a klonopin every time someone stares at me for too long. My sessions started going from "How have you been? Let's fix that" to "Oh, you're not suicidal, excellent!" I would tell him how terrible my week was or how depressed I felt, and he pretty much just patted me on the back and told me to keep my chin up. Thanks. 

     I decided that maybe I didn't need my medication and I was just getting worse because I assumed it was supposed to fix me. That mixed with the fact that I couldn't keep a job because of my anxiety and depression, I was unable to afford therapy or medication. Unfortunately, the next 3 weeks were terrible. I was going through withdrawals, being extremely moody and pretty rude. I drank a little more than I usually do and spent way too much money.  

     So, even though I hate my therapist, I'm going back to see him tomorrow. Hopefully he can at least put me back on my medication so I can at least have time to look for another one. But on that note, why is it so freaking expensive to get help? I'm mentally unstable, so charging me $300 to talk to someone probably isn't a good idea. Whatever. At least I have a second interview for a Salon Coordinator tomorrow which should go well. They are super open to piercings and tattoos, so I don't have to worry about hiding who I am...woo hoo! 

     Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.