Today is a new day...or just the day after yesterday

     We got in a huge fight yesterday because I still didn't understand why he hadn't bought a ring yet. I mean, we even went to go look at them and I completely fell in love with one, and then we just left. I don't really want to go into detail about what happened, but things escalated. I've been so selfish with this whole engagement thing thinking it will fix my life. I'm not unhappy because I'm not engaged, I'm unhappy because I'm unhappy with myself. 

     I have the same routine every, ok most, mornings. I get up, I watch Netflix, I clean or do laundry if I feel like it, and I blast out my email to 50 jobs hoping someone will at least call me. I've started going to the gym, which helps, but I honestly think what helps more is their tanning bed. Materialistic, I know, but it just makes me feel pretty. I got so many compliments when I came back from Aruba because of how tan I looked, and it made me feel like I actually stuck out rather than blended in. Which, concerning how terrified I am that people can actually see me, is a little bit of a contradiction. I guess I'm just stuck in a rut and need to get myself out.

I was actually really happy here. Maybe because I was in Aruba

     I had a second interview with a job on Thursday that went fantastically, but I'm still not 100% sure if I got the job. They said they just needed to do a background check and then they'd let me know, but I thought those only took a couple minutes. So now I'm just a nervous wreck thinking no one will hire me, even though I have an interview today with an "outdoor oasis" company and one tomorrow with a vet. I just can't help just feel no one will ever hire me. Like...ever.

     Overall, I still feel really depressed. I took a bunch of klonopin last night, hoping it would make me black out so I could sleep and just not wake up, but all it did was make me feel drunk. I don't think I'll be doing that again.