Thanks For Sharing

     I have Monday's off, and after sleeping all day, I decided to watch some movies I've been meaning to see. The one I was most looking forward to was Thanks for Sharing. It's basically about a group of people that are sex addicts trying to pretty much...live. While the movie may not have been that great, I thought Pink was excellent. Maybe it was because she has actually gone through bad times and everything, but she was just brilliant in this movie. One of my favorite lines in the whole movie is this...

     Dealing with depression and all that, this is exactly how I feel almost three times a week. This just can't be how the rest of my life will be like. I've gone back to eating when I feel sad or upset because nothing else works. Working out helps, but only once you're through. I wanted something that made me feel better the whole time, which is what food does. Especially excellent food. But then I just feel like shit when people ask "Oh, have you lost weight?! You look so good!" No, I haven't, and are you saying I looked terrible before? There has to be another way to make myself feel better. There has to be. Every time I get depressed, I can't just pop a couple klonopin and make myself leftovers. Because while it works temporarily, I hate myself even more in the long run. 

Sleepless Nights

     I hate when my mind is racing, but I have no thoughts. Sometimes depression is so cruel. Besides feeling empty, sad, lost, angry, etc...feeling everything at once and nothing at all is just the worst. I wanted to write about my sleeping issues, which is very common with people suffering from depression, but I just can't. The only thing I can really say is I suck at sleeping.
     I just don't know how I feel right now. I feel empty, but not at the same time. I'm not looking forward to bed time at all.

A tiny update

     I'm ok. Honestly. The past couple of days (besides feeling super anxious about my new job, which apparently normal people also feel, so that's not weird) I've felt totally ok. I don't want to say numb or apathetic, because that is completely different, but I've felt so neutral. It's so nice not to be swinging from happy to sad or from super cheery to super depressed, I've just felt normal. I'm still having a lot of issues sleeping, but naps help. Granted, I get home at 2:30 and felt like I've been up for hours and hours and hours, but at least it's not that miserable sleepiness, it's just drowsy feeling. It's just so nice to feel good and not feel anxious or sad or lost. It's also weird to be excited to feel normal. I wonder how normal people feel when they feel normal...
     I was also told I could be in charge of music at work, so that helps with my anxiety there. I've also been discovering SO much new music, which is awesome; I love Spotify. It's really hard to constantly hide how nervous you are, it's honestly exhausting, but at the same time I know that if I don't let myself feel that way, then it will help with my job performance in the long run. Or not. But I'll go with yes. But besides that, nothing else has been going on. Thursday was a really hard day, but work was hectic and I got in a little tiff with a co-worker and had a mild panic attack thinking I was already going to be fired. I think we are cool, though, he's at least acting like we are. Who knows.
   To completely switch subjects though, I realized how crippling anti-social I am. I swear, without Oscar, I'd probably have 2 friends. I don't know what it is, I just have no interest in going out and partying. Mainly because I'm poor and can barely pay my bills, but I just don't like being social. Besides a few select people, I usually want to leave wherever I am within an hour or so, or even before I get there. I really don't know what it is. Sometimes it's because it's a big party or we are going somewhere loud, but it's usually just the fact that I have to leave the house. If people want to come over, I'm totally ok with that. But then again, I can just be honest and tell people to gtfo at midnight. Or just put on my pajamas and get into bed when people are over...not that I've done that...

          So yeah, the TL;DR version is...I'm ok, I really am, but I still hate people. Woo! 

First day and such

     Today was the first day at my new job, which went ok. It's one of those things that doesn't seem to be hard, just a lot to learn and a lot to do. I shadowed the girl who I'll replacing, she's moving in less than 3 weeks, and she pretty much did everything like she normal does, just a little slower. The job is pretty much call client, confirm appointment, client calls, make appointment, pull clients folder, put client into schedule, get client water or wine, answer phone - no we are not open on Mondays, add receipts to books, answer phone - yes, it really does cost that much, make appointment, grab something for stylist, go to pee, just kidding...the phone is ringing, etc...

     So, the whole time I pretty much just sat there like deer in the headlights. I constantly felt like I was getting in the way or that I was in her "space." It's not that the girl acted like I was an annoyance, but I know people hate explaining things, especially if it's so easy to them. But, whatever, I'll get the hang of it. She was super nice and explained everything really well, and I wrote probably the most amount of notes I've ever written, I just hope she doesn't think I wasn't actually paying attention, because most people hate repeating themselves. That sentence was probably also a lot longer than it needed to be. Meh.

Me any time someone asked me to do something

     Since she is leaving in 19 days, February 18th to be exact, that means I have less than 3 weeks until I'm completely on my own. It kind of sucks I don't get a lunch break, but I was told there is always a little down time each hour, so that's good. I'm just excited that we don't open up 10, so I can actually go to the gym without having to get up at 5am. In case you didn't know, I am NOT a morning person. At all. 

My poor boyfriend, he always gets the brunt of it...

     But anyway, today was a good day. I didn't have any crippling anxiety like I usually do when I first start, although I did show up an hour early. Not a lot of depressing feelings today either, so that was really good. Although I did have a minor break down when I realized my bank account was in the negatives again. I seriously can't wait until I start actually getting paychecks. I'm running out of things to sell. Never the less, I just hope these good thoughts can keep coming, because being sad is kind of exhausting. I did tell them I have anxiety, which I kind of wish I didn't do. I also might have lied a little and said that I totally have it under control and rarely have breakdowns. Oops...

Liquor Store Blues

     Liquor Store Blues by Bruno Mars has recently been my anthem. At first, I really had no idea why i'd been listening to it over and over and over again, until I realized that everything, well almost everything, in the song had a little bit to do with my life.

Standing at this liquor store
Whiskey coming through my pores
Feeling like I run this whole block
 - Yeah, I've definitely been there. 2pm at a pub swearing you're going for lunch and then staying until 6pm just to make sure you're sober enough to drive home

Lotto tickets and cheap beer
That's why you can catch me here
Tryna scratch my way up to the top
 - Ok, not really this one...I hate losing

Cause my job's got me going nowhere
So I ain't got a thing to lose
Take me to a place where I don't care
This is me and my liquor store blues
 - By "my job" it was more of "my not job," but I did still feel like I was going absolutely nowhere. Searching for a job is a job within itself. Constant phone interviewss and regular interviews just speying out the same crap "I'd love to work for your company because of what you stand for." "Why no, I've never lost my temper at a customer."

I'll take one shot for my pain
One drag for my sorrow
Get messed up today
I'll be okay tomorrow
 - Pretty much 100%. Replace drag with "another shot," and this chorus is spot on. Tomorrow will always be "better."

Me and my guitar tonight
Singing to the city lights
Tryna live on more than what I got
 - Me and my vacuum tonight?? But the "trying to live on more than what I got" is pretty accurate.
Cause 68 cent

Just ain't gonna pay the rent so
I'll be out here til they call the cops
 - Or turn off my electricity


Then it just goes back to the chorus over and over. Anyway, I fucking love this song. I've felt so down on my luck and so unfortunate, that nothing really helps. And if it did help, it was only until I sober again.

Sidenote: I just realized I *seriously* sound like an alcoholic right now...

But back to the point, I can't wait until I finally get paychecks. I'm so thankful I have a job now, but until I can keep up with my bills, I'm still at rock bottom. At least I'll learn to make pretty sand castles out of dirt.

The Coping Mechanism

     So, not that it's much a surprise, but I tend to use sarcasm or humor to hide how I really feel. People constantly hear that joke "Oh, you just think I'm funny but I'm actually just being a dick." But with me, it's kind of the truth.

     I didn't always make people laugh by being rude, or mean, or condensing, it just kind of evolved once we started dating. Him and his friends are super mean to each other, which is apparently funny, so it kind of slowly turned into how I told jokes and dealt with my anxiety or uncomfort. If I started feeling super uncomfortable about what someone was saying about me or what someone was doing, I would always make some dumb-ass joke. One friend, I'd make fun of the fact that he likes Nickleback (true story), or how cheap someone is being, or how they did that one thing that one time. I guess it's kind of a public coping mechanism. That, and tearing apart paper coasters, Sorry Vu : / If I'm at home, my coping mechanism is either to cry, drink, or clean. Cleaning is usually my go to, or I cry AND clean. Or I cry AND clean AND drink, but I usually don't end up cleaning as well as it should have. When my sister was in labor, though, my apartment was spotless.

     However, I cope with things because of my anxiety, not my depression. In order for me to deal with what was happening or to make myself feel better, I cut, which started around 12-13. A friend of mine started doing it because people were making fun of her, so I told her that if she kept doing it, then I would, too. Not only that, but it was an excuse to do it anyway. People openly favored my sisters because they were athletic and pretty. I was fat, had glasses, braces, and pretty much had no redeeming quality. Besides the fact that I was one bad ass clarinet player. After a while, I ended up doing it because it made me feel better. It also didn't help that my parents were going through a divorce. Once I got to high school, it got a lot worse. I would go from doing it once or twice a month to every week. Band was just really stressful, especially my sophomore year when my freaking French teacher failed me by TWO EFFING POINTS. I had a tutor AND stayed afterwards, but she believed "i didn't deserve to pass." She was a ho. Seriously, her last name was Ho. Whatever, /rant.

     Luckily, college really wasn't that bad. I realized it was a terrible way to deal with my anxiety and depression and that's when I  started ripping things up or cleaning. However,I still do it once and a while, I'll admit to that. It sucks it has to come to that sometimes, but I'm really proud that I could go from doing it every week to only once a a year. The most recent time I won't get into because it involves a friend. He knows who he is...

     

The dreaded grocery store

     For most people, the grocery store is just a thing on their "to do" list that requires no sort of anxiety or attention, but for most people with Social Anxiety, it can take hours or days to build up the confidence to go. For me personally, it usually only takes me a couple hours to build up the strength, but I'm on the milder side of anxiety. Anyway, today was "chore" day, which involved me needing to pick up stuff from HEB. My normal routine consists of this...

1. Write down everything you need to get in order of where they are located in the store. Back tracking is embarrassing and obviously someone will notice and laugh

2. Write the list down again more legibly and pretty in case someone sees it and they won't judge how poor your hand writing is or how unorganized you are

3. Get in car and drive to store. Listen to powerful music that totally pumps you up. Shit like Roar by Katy Perry and pretty much anything by Journey or Hall and Oates

4. Sit in car for 10 minutes making sure no one can see you. If someone stares at you, you must wait another 10 minutes

5. Finally grab a cart. If it's one of those super awkward ones where they refuse to separate from their life partner, just walk inside and hope you see a lonely cart you can steal

6. Go in order of sections and grab what you need. If someone is in your way, then that item will just not be bought today

7. Make sure no one is looking at you. If someone does, hide in an empty aisle and pretend mexican beans are super fascinating

8. Finally make your way to the frozen foods. Yes! Lean Cuisines are on sale 6 for $10! Hurry and grab them so skinny people don't see you and notice how overweight you are

9. It's finally time to check out. Pretend to be deaf so no one will talk to you*

*If someone who knows ASL tries to help, just say no thank and leave

10. Go back into your car and cry a little. Sometimes you don't sometimes you do.

Anyway, that's usually how it goes for me. I'm sure others can relate. I'm sure most of you are reading this thinking "holy shit this girl needs therapy." Yes, I'm aware.